Here is my first rough draft. It is still a work in progress, I hope you enjoy it. I would love to speak at events if this is something that you feel youth or parents can learn from please let me know. I am going to be adding verses into this in the next few weeks I hope to get it to an editor soon. Thank you and God bless you and your family and those close to you. Please feel free to email me at hatley_regina@yahoo.com would love you to pass this blog on to your friends and family. 

My story is still unfolding as I tell you of the events that happened as a child. Please bare in mind that some names have been changed, knowing where to start is always the hard part so we will just start at my birth I was born to John Chance and Laura Dawson (Chance at the time) on a very cold and snowy day in December. I had two brothers that welcomed me into the world. My parents were divorced when I was a very young girl, I was blessed to have great stepparents as you see my parents where not my issue my oldest brother of six was my problem. Let me stop here and explain my large family my dad was married before to another lady, they had Cale. My mom and dad had Jason, whom is MR and myself, then my step dad was also married to another lady before and they had a Zack.
The funny thing is that Cale and Zack are 6months apart, my dad and step mom had two boys Justin and Noah. My mom and stepdad had James which James and Justin are 5 days apart! I remember when they boys where born I hoped to have a sister in this family I only wanted one. James was the first one that was born first we where at my Grandma Dawson when the call came in. When mom called to tell Zack and I asked if we could send him back grandma laughed and said well sweetpea maybe your stepmom will have a baby girl, but God knows what he is doing and wont give anything you cant handle. Five days later my dad called and came and picked me up. Took me to McDonals to break the news of another brother. I looked at my dad and cried, he asked what’s wrong baby girl? I just wanted a sister is that so much to ask? Then my dad took me as said if you had a sister, you would not be my only girl and that makes you special. When Noah came along we had the same talk, but my dad said only one little girl has my heart.

     I really can't say how old I was when it all started but, it ended around 3rd grade. As I write this I find myself remembering I felt scared, crying, alone, not knowing when the next thing was going to happen. It started with just let me show you how to kiss a boy. One day when my dad ran into 7-11 it was evening the glow of the lights and the sign where dim. I remember pushing away and he held on to me tighter and pressed harder. Then he let me go and said don't speak of this to anyone or they will think your dirty, they wont believe you your just a little girl. I felt ashamed and alone. When my dad came to the car he looked back at me as saw the tears and asked what was wrong I wiped at my face and eyes to dry the tears and said nothing dad I am fine I promise.

     Something that you need to know is that my dad services printing presses so this brother of mine and myself where alone a lot in those big buildings after hours. As time went on it escalated, sexually he would say I am teaching you how to please a man. Just think of me as your boyfriend (Hummm I thought no one would want me?). He would tell me that if I told anyone that I would not be loved and my dad would hate me. He told me I was dirty now and that no one would believe me that they would believe him over me of course because he was older. Once he told me that I would be taken away from my parents.
       One afternoon my dad and step mom where taking a nap and it was happing, I punched him in the nose and made it bleed. He ran into my parent’s room screaming, when I was asked why I did what I did. I looked at him and he gave me the eye, I lied. For you see I love my parents and I did not want them to hate me or get rid of me. When my dad would take me to my moms after the weekend I was very ugly to her trying to tell her something was wrong I started gaining weight thinking if I’m fat he would not look at me anymore. After that last time it really started slowing down. My brother’s mom started coming back into his life and when I was given the choice to have him at his moms when I was at our dads you better believe what I chose.

     As all this was happing to me I felt alone, dirty, I thought I was ugly, worthless, no good, that I was not good at anything. I would not even look at myself in the mirror (well if you ask my mom I did when I was crying). I did not like what I saw in the mirror. I thought how could anyone love me, like me, talk to me, and even stand to be in the same room as me. I did not understand why these things happened to me and I may never know why me. When my mom and stepdad first got married we went to a Church of Christ we would go as a family Sunday mornings. On Wednesdays my grandma would pick me up for church, then as the years went on my parents stopped going but my grandma would take me on Sundays as well. The funny thing is that my Dad is Baptist, and my stepmom is Catholic we did not go much with my dad and stepmom however we did Catholic things at their house and went to mass every so often. So God was in my young life but no one ever explained things to me, I can honestly say that before 6^th grade, I did not realize that I should have been in the word, looking at the passages, learning the verses. What I learned was the children stories don’t get me wrong those are also very important. I did not have my own Bible until I was around the 6^th or 7^th grade. I started struggling with the whole God thing when I became a preteen, I got into trouble that I am not proud of nothing major but enough that I was not happy with myself, no drugs or sex nothing like that. When my mom found out I was no longer to be friends with the person that got me in to that mess from about the time I was in 4-6^th grade.

     I have a brother named Zack whom I adore. I used to (still kinda do) think he could rope the moon. He left the Church of Christ when he was in middle school. He went to Tulakes Baptist Church. The summer of my 6^th grade year, I went to VBS there and my brother helped out after that I would stay for the youth VBS (I felt very cool!!). This was the year that Putnam City went from Jr. High to Middle school. However I had just completed my 6^th grade year so I could not go to summer camp my brother however did try. I then did not know it but I met my soul mate.

     I lived on a street not really in a neighborhood, that was a horseshoe shape and across from me lived a very odd family whom I became best friends with their daughter, Megan and I where inseparable. One day I was being nosey and looking throw some pictures and I found one of the very cute guy and I fell in love. However there was a war going on inside me. Telling me that I am not pretty enough, good enough, I am to fat, don’t even try it. My relationship with God at this point in time was really not there, yes I knew who God was, yes I went to church, yes I had accepted him as my Lord and Savior, but to truly know him I had not even begun. As I begun my 7^th grade year, I started going to Tulakes and I fought with God on a daily bases. AS I really began to grow in Christ I understood that he was there the whole time and that he would continue to be there. When something like this happens you are your own enemy. For you see, I did not want to hate myself, I wanted to be beautiful, I wanted to see myself as beautiful, I wanted the self worth, I wanted to be skinny, a size 8 like my cousin. I wanted to have boyfriends, I wanted guys to like me or ask me on dates I wanted all that stuff. But when you have be abused your whole life and told these ugly things you don’t have any self esteem, self worth, self anything! I have a very dear cousin whom I love and she is my best friend, I was very jealous of her she was pretty, blonde blue eyes, skinny, had everything going for her. That was who I wanted to be. I did not have the belief that I could do it and what would it matter if I were pretty on the outside; I was dirty on the inside (I thought at the time that could not be changed).

     As time went on me and this oh so cute boy! Started talking and I was in the 7^th and he was in 9^th but only a year apart. I could not believe someone would like me! I felt good on the inside, then the war started inside me. He will just use you if he finds out he will hate you and never talk to you again and maybe even tell your parents! Then we broke up, then where were boyfriend and girlfriend again and that’s how it went for two years. At some point God told me that I was going to marry him...yea right God like anyone is gonna marry me! Look how is he going to marry me when he has already dumped me three times in 2years! In between me and Cody’s drama, I did date two worthless guys the first one’s name was PJ and he was my best friends new founded stepbrother, and this guy man looking back what was I thinking. He was in a gang, into drugs, wanted sex. I can tell you what I was thinking he wont care about my past he is just as dirty and messed up as me! My God was looking out for me and took him out of my life and I never spoke to him again. I never did drugs with him, joined his gang, or slept with him. However I did take him on a church outing once and he says he was saved and accepted Christ only him and Christ know the truth. I will find out one day. The next guy is a guy named Andrew and well he was not the pick of the litter, he was supposedly in a gang as well and wanted sex as well, and again did drugs, but this on went one step more he got mad at me one day and starting beating me. I left and I was crying I walked home and my best friend (man she knows when to find me) saw me upset and come running out of her house and saw asked me what was wrong and I told her she asked if he left any marks on me and I said I have not looked so we went in to her house and we looked me over and the only one that I can recall was on my arm. Megan then got up and called Cody and our friend Jonathon and they where over to our houses with in minutes I was so scared to go home. When my dad got there he was not happy and looked at Cody and said take care of this. Cody and Jonathon never hurt him but well he was scared. With both of these boys I truly felt that is what I deserved. If I was going to ever get married it would be to a loser, someone that was just as bad and evil as me. God was not going to let me go down that path. He took both of those boys out of my life almost as fast as they entered.

     Well my 9^th grade year came I thought middle school was hard on me high school was even worse! I hardly ever saw Shannon anymore, which really hurt because I looked up to him and he treated me like a kid sister… My walk with Christ had really started growing I really started to believe that he loved me and that everything was going to be ok. Cody and I started dating on December 15^th and did not break up again at all. I almost dumped him twice (but who is counting). These times that I almost did I look back now and think man I was very troubled. The first time I was going to end it was when, I saw him hugging another girl, I know so he is hugging another girl, but its not a hey friend hug or hey mom hug it was a special hug like a boy embraces the girl he really wants! That type of hug, well here is where Satan grabs a hold of me once again. I walk in and see that and they don’t see me I storm out of LJS with my promise ring in hand getting ready to leave when the dumb guy come out saying “what’s wrong with you it was just a hug” hug my fat booty is what I was thinking. I then took his hand and said here if you want her then take her and gave back his ring. I have no clue what he said to me that night to make me forgive him but it must have been good! I do remember the war started again see no one will ever want just you. No one will ever be happy with just you. You dumb stupid girl! Your dirty, used, ugly, not worth anything. The next time is really Cody’s story to tell so, I am not going to say much just that he called me another girls name. Just like before, I don’t remember what he said to get me to take him back. If you asked him he would say he would have left his dumb booty. I must have been crazy in love; yea I am crazy in love still. There is a 3^rd time but we were married this time, and it’s his story to tell you as well. I will tell you this, he lied to me and kept it for about 3yrs to himself, and my best friend told me 3yrs later and boy was I hot! I REALLY would have left him that time. As in the cases above I cannot remember what he said to me to make me forget all about it. In all these cases even after we where married, I thought and told myself see he looks at other girls, he does not find you pretty, he thinks your fat your dirty, unwholesome, no good you name it I thought it and the worse part is I believed it!! Then I had God and my youth workers telling me you are beautiful, precious, wonderful, smart, talented, but no I choose to believe the nasty stuff. We where married July 17, 1999, it was a beautiful day, we had the wedding at the church we grew up in. Sexually, I was nervous but really ok, I had my issues a lot in the beginning I had flash backs and it was hard I would get upset and have to stop. I would get bitter, and angry with myself. Cody was fighting something very different than me he was scared he would not do things right or it would not be good. Which lead to always I am tired, not in the mood, ect. Which then lead me back to all the things that Satan has put in my head (Which are my demons that I finally realized what they where). I believed I had forgiven my brother many times and maybe, I have but unable to let go and let God.

     In June 2010, I went to see my OBGYN and we started talking about my weight, and I as always started crying, she said Regina we have a new program here with our PA it’s a weight loss program. I would like you to think about it and pray about it as well. In August I had my first visit, and I just opened up to her and let it flow! She asked me to tell her what I saw in me and that is when I realized that my first thoughts where very ugly. I did not respond at first she could see that I did not want to answer so she what is your first thought so I told her that I am worthless and ugly. She then said why do you think that and I told her the whole but shortened story. She looked at me as said you can’t let that control you. You are better than that person that did this to you. You have to take back the controls you are in charge of your life not him. Hasn’t he controlled you long enough sobs are just coming and I Cant even talk by this point. So that’s what I did with Gods help I took back my life I was in control, I was not going to let it eat at me anymore. Every morning it was hard at first I told myself that I am beautiful and a Child of God, then I would think of the verse I am fearfully and wonderfully made! God does not make junk.

     Then a night in September I was in bed with my wonderful husband, and no kids! I had a break through and I said things that I did not even know I had buried deep inside of me. It was like an out of body experience like it was not even me talking I then said to my husband do you see that angel over there in the corner? “no. was his sleepy reply” well I do and he is here for me to help me get through this and he is holding my hand right now! When I woke up the next morning I felt like 1000lbs lighter! I had been set free! I have been set free!

     I have learned a lot about myself through the years of dealing with all this. One is how fake I am. I teach my kids that God does not make junk but yet my whole life I did not believe that. I also taught them that they are beautiful and not to let anyone tell them different, because you are apart of me and I am not ugly cough lie! I thought I was ugliest, girl ever! Always have faith in yourself, Sydney for you are a child of God. I guess I need to practice what I teach my children. If you ask me now what I think of myself this is what I will tell you, I am losing weight, I am not pretty but I am beautiful, I am a very talented person, I have a heart for people, I have self worth and no one is ever going to take that way from me again!                      

Hey Stay Tuned!

Hey thanks for checking this out.....I can say this! I wont be writing much on here....This is going to tell my story and its one that you wont want to miss to keep coming back it should be up by this weekend! I am very excited!!